STAGNANT

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel like somewhat of a failure. Earning my BA is something that really made me see myself as a success finally. My Master’s is now in process and things are looking bright.

Beating breast cancer made me feel like a superhero. I always knew that strength was within but never on this level. My entire life has been a battle that I am not willing to share with the world as of yet. There are some things in life that should be kept between you and God. Honestly, I am very surprised that there is no bitterness towards God with all that life has thrown my way.

Sometimes I felt like the life was being sucked from my soul the pain was so great. There were times that I drowned in my own sorrows of tears ending up hyperventilating because I was so upset. GOD! I stopped asking why realizing that it was his will. He loves me? Yes…although it is hard to believe at times minus the fact that Jesus died on the cross for me. But did he have a choice or did he really want to die? Be that as it may, he died for us.

Then I thought to myself that my mother beat my arse and that was painful by the way. Mommy used to beat my butt so badly that I thought she was going to kill me.

Kids have a vivid imagination, it really was not that bad. Sometimes I knew I deserved every spanking and there were times I didn’t feel it was needed. As a child, I begin to discover who I was and became stubborn. Those beatings shaped me right up real fast. I was not the best child and thank goodness my mom made sure I saw the light before becoming an adult. My point is maybe God was spanking me to make sure I stayed on the right path and wanted to grab my attention.

I have always loved God but there were times I put him on the back burner far too many times then I got burned in the oven of fire called life’s consequences.  BREAST CANCER! BAD RELATIONSHIPS! If I had only listened to God and followed his word. I beat breast cancer and know that there are so many things in my life now that must be fixed because I did not seek God first. In order for my life to flow, blossom and grow I must put God first. Stagnant water begins to stink, bugs start to come and the water is no longer clean or clear. This is not how I want my life to be!

I have come through the fire unseared because of the faith I never knew I had so much of. Funny how so many ignore God but when they are on their death bed they call out to God for help.

Thank goodness I loved God prior to my cancer diagnosis.  I didn’t come to God and ask to be healed from Cancer without knowing him first. One thing for certain, I know that without faith there was no way possible I would have made it through this journey.  The chemo treatments alone were enough to wipe me out mentally and physically.

I would never wish cancer on my worst enemy since it is so evil and cruel showing no mercy. The entire time there was a spiritual and mental battle that could have been easily lost.

Cancer is no joke! When I look back at where I was and where I am now it is nothing but GOD and my FAITH that kept me alive. Discovering that my strength and belief is amazing! I not only believed that God would deliver me I believed in myself. My life is no longer stagnant and I have mixed feelings about what I had to endure in order to open my eyes to truly see what life has to offer. I have a third eye and there are really so many super kind loving folks left in this world.

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When Do You Call It Quits?

When a person would rather spy on your social media sites and word press then communicate directly with you is a problem.

I have often heard people say that anything worth having will not be easy. I do not agree with this because when you are the only one working to make things work it is extremely exhausting.

My question is when do you call it quits?

My Thoughts

When my mind seemed to never want to rest and sleep was a distant pleasure. I constantly prayed to God for sleep until I finally entered into what I call a limbo of deep rest. Some nights I slept very well but those nights were rare and cherished.

I have so many thoughts running through my head that it can be overwhelming. Chemo kills cancer and it was slowly killing me too. My life was as if I was at a crap game rolling the dice every time I had chemo hoping for a lucky 7. Through all this, I never had disdain for God but grew closer to him.

My journey has begun to finally start working towards my Master’s in Mangement Specialization Project Management. It has taken exactly seven long years to stop making excuses. Cancer indeed was a dreadful excuse to not pursue my degree with chemo and all the other hurdles that come with it. All of my pathetic excuses were all used up and cancer was not going to be a reason for me to not pursue my Master’s.

There were times I wanted to quit and it was just the first semester! Well, classes start again in February and I passed with a “B” by the grace of God and my faith. I was relentless and would not give up even when the voice of defeat whispered: “this is not a good time, you are fighting cancer right now”. The funny thing about timing in my life, there is never a good time and I must execute. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer my life was turned upside down. Death seemed to be knocking at my front door and I felt the ice cold breeze that pierced my soul. But I decided to fight and when I felt weak I prayed. I am fighting the good fight for the rest of my life and living life making no excuses.

Cancer Free- Yes that’s me!

To God be the glory! I am now cancer free and still amazed at how far I have come.

I am now in the reconstructive phase after having a bilateral mastectomy. New boobs in the making and it was not for vanity. Cancer robbed me of so many things and my femininity is one. The things like my nails, toes, hair and especially my breast!

I have been thinking of two people that were in my life that I took for granted like Nicole and Will and I miss them so much. I wonder if they are reading my blog and curse them for not reaching out to me! If you are reading my blog please know that I love you both and friends fight but that does not mean you give up. Nicole promised that we would never stop being friends no matter what. But who keeps promises anyway these days?

Cancer makes you see life so differently and I appreciate things so much more now. I had triple negative breast cancer and this type is VERY aggressive. The only way I overcame this is by having a positive attitude, prayer, faith and truly believing that this was not the end. Now more than ever I want to give back to those who are now fighting cancer. I am not exactly sure how to go about this yet. One thing for sure financial support is needed as well as emotional support in a major way. It is so easy to fall into deep depression and give up when you feel like you are alone. The strange part about it all is no matter if you have 100 people in your corner you are the only one that has to fight the battle.

My Dad told me that he too is going through this all with me whether I believe it or not. That meant so much to me. He told me that he feels my pain and I believe that. I am truly grateful and thank God every single day! Life is so beautiful if you take the time out to focus on the good and the things you have control over. Do not waste your time on the things in life you have no control over give it to God! I don’t have to know you personally care about you. Remember that we need more love in this world. If you can not support a person financially support them emotionally. When I hear that someone has to go through chemo my heart cries for them. Please take care of yourself and get your cancer screening done annually because your life depends on it.

My biggest fear is that cancer will return and that thought has to be buried and never dug back up! Reality is not always yours…For now, I will celebrate life and being a “new normal” since I will never be the same. The change is good and has made me stronger in so many ways. If God was trying to get my attention he sure did the job.

Breast Cancer- Changed Me

Cancer is no joke! I cannot tell you enough how important it is to have your yearly cancer screening.

My diagnosis for Triple Negative Breast Cancer was on June 4, 2018. I discovered the tumor while in the shower and ignored it for a few months which could have ended my life. I am always too busy to take care of myself but that will never happen again. Stage 2 wasn’t pretty at all. Chemo was the devil and it was unbearable. There were times I questioned God. I cried many nights and had a few breakdowns. But I never stayed there long.  Being human allows you to cry and experience emotions.

The twist is that God used my boss to push me to finally get my mammogram that was well overdue. After my biopsy, it seemed as if everything started to move fast then slow down to a miserable slow pace. On November 29th I had a surgery and the pathology report came back showing no live cancer cells. I am now cancer free praying it stays this way forever. I had faith that really got me to this point. My journey isn’t over and I plan to do something that will help others with cancer. My experience revealed the level of support needed in order to win the battle with cancer that so many do not have.

I love life so much more and see things differently for the best. My hopes are to make a difference in someone’s life that is fighting cancer and to save lives by advocating early detection. I thank God every day for giving me another shot at life.

 

 

Can I hold $20?

Once we accept that people will not do what we expect them to do life will become less disappointing.

Deciding to help someone whether it is financial or not is a choice. For example, you lend a friend a few hundred dollars with the agreement of them paying you back, but if they decide for some reason to not return the money you may have possibly ruined a friendship.

Never lend money that you expect to be returned or that will place you in a financial bind. Hence, people ask to borrow money because they don’t have it in the first place.  Allow them to pay you back in small increments rather than asking for the entire amount returned since showing effort means so much.

Money is the root of all evil-and have ruined marriages just the same.  Remember if you don’t have the funds to give keep it in your pockets!

Love,

Patty Cakes!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s BROKE So Fix It ASAP!

A person can love you with all their heart and soul but when you begin to cease doing what you did to get them you are brewing a nasty stew.

When you are told several times that you have situations to fix in your relationship you better try or end it. A person that is willing and loves you will say,  “Hey, XYZ is not working and we need to make changes that show that they are in it to win it. Then proceeds to say, “What can I do to help make this work?” Now that is a keeper!

Otherwise, they would say nothing. But the twist to that is after a while they will grow tired and stop trying.  Please don’t act surprised when you see the change in them based on your lack of willingness to fix XYZ. I’ve learned that change can be sudden or implemented slowly-depending on the individual’s sense of urgency to eradicate the “situation”.

Life is too short to keep stringing a person along when you have no intention of improving the situation. When you are told a million times that there are situations that need to be addressed that are causing strain on the future of your relationship if you care you will do whatever it takes to improve. The banger is when the person that brought the situation to your attention tries to make things better through “actions” not false promises and in return you are unresponsive.

This is when the “situation” begins to escalate into a pot of burned stew permeating the house with a dreadful smell.  But the love this person has for you is strong and they are willing to keep trying in spite of. WOW! Even Jesus Christ sees their efforts.

When asked what do you think the”situation” is, the worse thing you can say is “I don’t know.” Even Stevie Wonder can see what the situation is.  How can we fix it “I don’ t know”…Well, it sounds like you don’t know much of anything and basically doesn’t really give a flake. An action is a resolution to any situation whether you chose to stay or actually take actions to make things work.

You can bump your gums all day long but if you are not moving toward communicating and making that situation better you are in for a life of unhappiness. Rejection hurts when it’s a person that you believe loves you.

Please give your feedback…It would be great to know your perspective.

Love,

Patty Cakes!