The very person that is the root of my depression has my site bookmarked on their page and religiously reads my blog but can’t communicate with me. When you ask what’s wrong? What did I do? What can I do to fix us? and the response is “I don’t know” followed by no effort, is a tough pill to swallow. Every day is a struggle to hold it together. I feel like my spirit has been zapped a million times- like superman being covered in kryptonite. Being the only one fighting to save a relationship feels like I ran around a football field 20 times. I am totally and utterly exhausted! Who else is there to tell you what not to do and what not to settle for than a person who has been through it and is going through? I hope and pray to God that all these hard lessons that are being learned can help others not have to experience my crap of beans. Just when I thought I was so smart desperation for someone to love me crept in and blinded me from all the lies that were right before me! The red flags had flames and smoke. I said to myself that no one is perfect and that I could love through all of the flaws and the lies can be forgiven.
Once a liar always a liar…
I often wonder if Satan himself planted this imposter in my life. I thought knew this individual and discovered that it was far from the truth. When a person thinks you need them they seem to want to give you their arse to kiss and become really cocky. The person that once told you they loved you daily and did just enough to get by came to a complete halt. I have always wanted someone that was simply normal and loved me unconditionally without all the games and lies. The lion king is in full effect and my dumb azz knew this before I dove headfirst. His eyes and all the lies that seemed like the truth were all revealed for what they were, all LIES. I have learned that people can love what you can do for them and not love you at all. I have also learned that if a person can shut you out, stop touching you, kissing you for years at a time never loved you or has fallen out of love with you. We can factor in other issues like medical reasons, afraid to come out of the closet, involved with another woman or just plain smack not attracted to you. But which one is it? There is so much room for assumption that forces you to come to your own conclusion of what the issue may be.
Now more than ever I realize that it is totally fine to be alone if that is the only way to find peace. Be that as it may, I have made so many awful choices and I promise to myself and God to never repeat the same mistakes again.
My daughter reminded me of how important it is to consult with God in everything that I do and plan to do.
Emotions are not always the best route to take when making life changing decisions. You definitely can’t decide based on what you have shared with your family who will totally be on your side.
Sometimes situations can be extremely uncomfortable when in your mind you want change.
But God has the final decision on any moves I make. Never asking why, I am still and quiet. Sometimes I shout ”Do you really love me God, if so,why must I suffer?”
Learning can be painful sometimes as well as enjoyable. We have to take the bitter with the sweet and grow during the process of uncertainty.
All of your unanswered questions will be revealed in time. Keep an open line of prayer with God daily.
Dedicated to my Gina Bina 😍
To my daughter Regina- thank you for loving me unconditionally and being a rock in my life. You are an extraordinary young woman.
I totally decided that a double mastectomy was the best route to keep cancer away. The doctors warned me that they may not be able to save my nipples during the surgery. I just wanted all the cancer gone! I had no idea of the physiological damage visually this would cause me. It’s not about being vain either. A part of my body was removed and they will not grow back.
My family thought it was a bit over the top when the doctors offered to perform a lumpectomy.
My research concluded that if I decided to keep my breast there was a higher chance of reoccurrence. So off they both went along with my nipples! Yep, I no longer have nipples.
After my surgery the first thing I looked at was my chest. My eyes filled with tears feeling as if I was less of a woman with a now flat chest. So, I decided on implants and happy I did. This is not considered plastic surgery but reconstructive surgery which is a big difference. Same size bra just more perky ☺️
I had to convince myself that breast were overrated and besides I don’t need them anyway, right? I began to sob uncontrollably feeling like the essence of my womanhood was taken from me.
No breastfeeding or a man to embrace them so what’s the big deal ? It’s a huge deal but not if removing them could prolong my life.
I could have nipple reconstruction or 3-D tattoos to make me feel a tad better when looking in the mirror. But for now, the sexy alien look works. I have not decided on nipple reconstruction because it requires surgery. More than likely I’ll go the tattoo route.
Yes, it still bothers me and I miss my old saggy cute boobs that at least had nipples. They were mine not some foreign object floating in my chest.
Cancer took so much from me but I have my life! Boobs mean nothing to me when it comes to LIFE!
I just wanted my nipples to stay intact to feel as normal as possible…but cancer hides! The doctors did what was best.
How can a person that loves you and wants to see you be an annoyance? It is because you are really not interested in them nor have feelings. We all have our bad days and don’t want to bothered, I get that part, but that does not mean you stop loving on each other in spite of it all. It is you and I against the world not you and I against each other.
People have the tendency to either establish their love or prove they never loved you at all on a daily basis if you pay close attention. These standards are based on what you need at that time for them to prove their love. If they refuse then they never loved you. Love has no boundaries or self-doubt. When you love someone there is nothing that you wouldn’t do for them even if it means you forsake everyone besides God. You bare all, have no secrets because you become one. You feel their emotions and can sense when something is wrong. It becomes impossible for you to hurt them on any level because it would be like hurting yourself.
The feeling that I hate to experience is the hurt when you truly trust someone with your heart and they rip it right out of your chest before your eyes. Their eyes are cold as a stone and there is no warmth or love in their voice.
You believe that love has found you, lonely nights have come to an end, and at last, the search is over!
Then BAM! You wake up to who the heck are you and what happened to us? There was never an “us”. There was the hope of what could be.
The tricky part is that you were so caught up on the idea of being in love that you were blinded.
The red flags were all there waving and even smacking you in the face but all you saw was cupid while flying on cloud 9 with the newness of everything. The flipside of it all is we have some situations that when we finally wake up, we have missed the boat and allowed that one person to exit our life and they will never return. That one person that will and can only love you unselfishly but you are too busy chasing rocks and dirt when you have a treasure in front of you.
Years down the road you start to reflect and wonder why you never found true love and end up with this person you hardly know while hating their guts. Yep, the one ship you let sail away because you believed another individual was so much better when you had the best already.
We push real love away to have a false love that will eventually fade. We become weary or carry baggage and all that soul-sucking pain from previous relationships that we ruin our chance at TRUE love. At this point, I’d rather have a puppy. We inflict pain on ourselves by loving someone that is truly incapable of not only loving you they have yet learned what love is and how to love themselves.
When you consistently reject someone for YEARS that loves you and refuse to communicate it hurts and damages them. Things will never be the same because now they are afraid to open up and love or allow anyone else to love them with the fear of being rejected again.
They have now gone into protect mode promising to never allow anyone the opportunity to get close to them. Sometimes all you want is him/her and when they don’t want you then you’d rather be alone.
Loving yourself is so important, knowing your worth and if you ever feel unloved God has an unconditional love that’s deeper than you can ever imagine.