The very person that is the root of my depression has my site bookmarked on their page and religiously reads my blog but can’t communicate with me. When you ask what’s wrong? What did I do? What can I do to fix us? and the response is “I don’t know” followed by no effort, is a tough pill to swallow. Every day is a struggle to hold it together. I feel like my spirit has been zapped a million times- like superman being covered in kryptonite. Being the only one fighting to save a relationship feels like I ran around a football field 20 times. I am totally and utterly exhausted! Who else is there to tell you what not to do and what not to settle for than a person who has been through it and is going through? I hope and pray to God that all these hard lessons that are being learned can help others not have to experience my crap of beans. Just when I thought I was so smart desperation for someone to love me crept in and blinded me from all the lies that were right before me! The red flags had flames and smoke. I said to myself that no one is perfect and that I could love through all of the flaws and the lies can be forgiven.
Once a liar always a liar…
I often wonder if Satan himself planted this imposter in my life. I thought knew this individual and discovered that it was far from the truth. When a person thinks you need them they seem to want to give you their arse to kiss and become really cocky. The person that once told you they loved you daily and did just enough to get by came to a complete halt. I have always wanted someone that was simply normal and loved me unconditionally without all the games and lies. The lion king is in full effect and my dumb azz knew this before I dove headfirst. His eyes and all the lies that seemed like the truth were all revealed for what they were, all LIES. I have learned that people can love what you can do for them and not love you at all. I have also learned that if a person can shut you out, stop touching you, kissing you for years at a time never loved you or has fallen out of love with you. We can factor in other issues like medical reasons, afraid to come out of the closet, involved with another woman or just plain smack not attracted to you. But which one is it? There is so much room for assumption that forces you to come to your own conclusion of what the issue may be.
Now more than ever I realize that it is totally fine to be alone if that is the only way to find peace. Be that as it may, I have made so many awful choices and I promise to myself and God to never repeat the same mistakes again.