No, really! I am over it all…
One thing for certain beating breast cancer has taught me is that you find out who truly loves you during the lowest point of your life. I was screaming for love on the inside wanting to be held and told that everything would be fine even if we were not certain. Hope and faith alone would have made me believe it. I have never felt so unattractive and unwanted in my entire life!
I lost my hair, nails, complexion that made me resemble the walking dead…no joke!
I have always had an issue with looking for the good in people when there was more bad present. Choosing to sweep the lies and deceit under the rug has only caused me a great deal of pain and disappointment. Lowering my standards, accepting all their flaws and ignoring the truth with hopes that maybe being over critical was my issue and not theirs. I always wanted to experience a love that was unbreakable filled with sexual gratification and mental stimulation. The kind of love that is built on truth, friendship and loyalty. Having the ability to debate and to disagree to disagree. Never ignoring the elephant in the room, taking on issues head on and resolving them with finding common ground. Respecting each other enough to never lie and hurt our love. Never making promises that we can’t keep that is just a damaging as telling a bold face lie with straight face.
I am now 50 and the only true love experienced is from my beautiful girls and my nephews who love me unconditionally. However, this is not romantic love that I have desired for so long. What I have learned in the worse possible way is to never ever settle, believe what people show you and not what the tell you. Love yourself enough to walk away from pain and never be afraid of being alone. I am thinking about getting a puppy to cuddle with because the pillow isn’t doing it for me. When I see couples holding hands, laughing, not afraid of PDA, holding each other close, gazing into her eyes makes me long for that too! I want it to be real and not have this with someone that has been forced down my throat just to say I have a man.
Everything must happen organically and we both must want the same kind of love or it will never work. I pray everyday for a love that will ask me to marry him while he’s on one knee with a ring that does not have to be fancy at all. He would get enough of me and I would want to inhale him every time I saw him.