Delusional

Does having hope and believing in someone that never loved you to begin with make you an idiot? Well, I must admit that it sure feels like I won the dumb trophy. When actions are blazing like an out of control inferno and still I chose to walk through the fire.

Sadly, I have come out on the other side burned with my soul filled with pain and confusion. I never thought that a person could pretend so well to love you and turn out to be sub-human with a black heart. I will take most of the blame since the signs were there and I ignored the red flags.

The pain I feel is beyond words and only time can heal the depth of my pain. Details at this point will not be shared as a result of my emotional state. At a later time, I will open up out of love for myself and to help others. I am angry at myself and will not allow my emotions to dictate what I share on my blog. I just want that one person out there to know that you are not alone. Hang in there and the pain of someone betraying and never revealing who they really are until they had your heart and soul is something that YOU and I will never allow to happen again.

I have so many mixed emotions and have truly given up on the the love I never had to begin with. I feel disposable and used. I have also learned to treat myself better and set boudaries. If anything makes me feel uncomfortable it will not happen. I left once only to be convinced to come back and be buried in lies and neglect. Oh what a tangled web we weave! Bottom line is I allowed this unscrupulous treatment. I really wanted to believe in us when it was only me. I was alone the entire time. No ring and still I stayed, no attention or intimacy and still I stayed for 6 years! I did this to myself and have accepted this awful treatment for so many years. WOW! Never thought I would see myself so low at this stage of my life. Then I have to remind myself that If I beat cancer this should be easy. It’s not easy at all and the pain is deep. God, I need you again.

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