No, really! I am over it all…
One thing for certain beating breast cancer has taught me is that you find out who truly loves you during the lowest point of your life. I was screaming for love on the inside wanting to be held and told that everything would be fine even if we were not certain. Hope and faith alone would have made me believe it. I have never felt so unattractive and unwanted in my entire life!
I lost my hair, nails, complexion that made me resemble the walking dead…no joke!
I have always had an issue with looking for the good in people when there was more bad present. Choosing to sweep the lies and deceit under the rug has only caused me a great deal of pain and disappointment. Lowering my standards, accepting all their flaws and ignoring the truth with hopes that maybe being over critical was my issue and not theirs. I always wanted to experience a love that was unbreakable filled with sexual gratification and mental stimulation. The kind of love that is built on truth, friendship and loyalty. Having the ability to debate and to disagree to disagree. Never ignoring the elephant in the room, taking on issues head on and resolving them with finding common ground. Respecting each other enough to never lie and hurt our love. Never making promises that we can’t keep that is just a damaging as telling a bold face lie with straight face.
I am now 50 and the only true love experienced is from my beautiful girls and my nephews who love me unconditionally. However, this is not romantic love that I have desired for so long. What I have learned in the worse possible way is to never ever settle, believe what people show you and not what the tell you. Love yourself enough to walk away from pain and never be afraid of being alone. I am thinking about getting a puppy to cuddle with because the pillow isn’t doing it for me. When I see couples holding hands, laughing, not afraid of PDA, holding each other close, gazing into her eyes makes me long for that too! I want it to be real and not have this with someone that has been forced down my throat just to say I have a man.
Everything must happen organically and we both must want the same kind of love or it will never work. I pray everyday for a love that will ask me to marry him while he’s on one knee with a ring that does not have to be fancy at all. He would get enough of me and I would want to inhale him every time I saw him.
I personally do not accept being referred to as “African-American”.
It’s a constant reminder of our ancestors dreadful deadly passage from Africa to the Land of the free America. No pun intended!
No matter how our ancestors got here it is a part of our history that should never be forgotten.
However, do not stamp me with “African” since I’ve never been to my ancestors homeland. I will indeed travel there before I leave this earth after I discover where my bloodline started in Africa.
I crave to know more about who I really am and where it all began.
My true African brother and sisters do not fully accept me nor do my American black brothers and sisters.
Never wonder why the horrific bondage occurred. Know that if our ancestors pulled together our history may have been different. We are still separate which makes us weak and easy to conquer. However, we’ve always made it so easy by destroying each other.
Africa is beautiful and I always wish we where never robbed of our rich history and true self identity. The little dark skinned girls and boys are teased and rejected because of how dark their skin is or how beautifully kinky the crown on their head is.
It is such an honor to have dark skin which is an indicator that your blood is not as tainted by rape.
To all my beautiful dark skin sisters and brothers you are true kings and queens! Hold your head high and walk with pride.
You exemplify strength beyond measure…
Some lessons in life hurt like hell but we have to learn either way no matter the pain endured.
There are people that I believed would have come and visited me when I almost lost my LIFE to cancer. Sadly those individuals were like dust in the wind blowing further away from me.
There is a pain that I could never explain thinking that a person cared about me and in reality they never did.
I remember those who helped me when I didn’t ask. Called and visited me without my request but because they were concerned ❤️ THANK YOU! 🙏🏽
I was angry at those who didn’t.
My heart was broken!
Look at me now! Stronger than ever with so much self-love that I will NEVER expect it from anyone else. I will focus on making myself happy until I leave this earth ❤️🙏🏽
Cancer didn’t win!
Time is the most precious commodity we have and this is why a person who isn’t really interested will not make time for you.
They will come up with legitimate reasons why they are so busy. One problem is that they seem to make time for everything else but YOU!
If a person can stay away from you for weeks at a time there is definitely someone else that has pushed you out of the picture.
I don’t care what’s going on, if a person is really into you they will move mountains to be next to you. Go where the love is and with a person that makes time for you.
I’ve wasted so much of my life waiting for a person to change that it’s insane. Now, I realize more than ever that’s it’s not my loss it’s them who lost the 💎 gem.
The very person that is the root of my depression has my site bookmarked on their page and religiously reads my blog but can’t communicate with me. When you ask what’s wrong? What did I do? What can I do to fix us? and the response is “I don’t know” followed by no effort, is a tough pill to swallow. Every day is a struggle to hold it together. I feel like my spirit has been zapped a million times- like superman being covered in kryptonite. Being the only one fighting to save a relationship feels like I ran around a football field 20 times. I am totally and utterly exhausted! Who else is there to tell you what not to do and what not to settle for than a person who has been through it and is going through? I hope and pray to God that all these hard lessons that are being learned can help others not have to experience my crap of beans.
Just when I thought I was so smart desperation for someone to love me crept in and blinded me from all the lies that were right before me! The red flags had flames and smoke. I said to myself that no one is perfect and that I could love through all of the flaws and the lies can be forgiven.
Once a liar always a liar…
I often wonder if Satan himself planted this imposter in my life. I thought I knew this individual and discovered that it was far from the truth. When a person thinks you need them they seem to want to give you their arse to kiss and become really cocky.
The person that once told you they loved you daily and did just enough to get by came to a complete halt. I have always wanted someone that was simply normal and loved me unconditionally without all the games and lies. The lion king is in full effect and my dumb azz knew this before I dove headfirst. His eyes and all the lies that seemed like the truth were all revealed for what they were, all LIES. I have learned that people can love what you can do for them and not love you at all.
I have also learned that if a person can shut you out, stop touching you, kissing you for years at a time never loved you or has fallen out of love with you. We can factor in other issues like medical reasons, afraid to come out of the closet, involved with another woman or just plain smack not attracted to you. But which one is it? There is so much room for assumption that forces you to come to your own conclusion of what the issue may be.
Now more than ever I realize that it is totally fine to be alone if that is the only way to find peace. Be that as it may, I have made so many awful choices and I promise to myself and God to never repeat the same mistakes again.
There are situations in life that occur that will either make your relationship stronger or break you completely apart…
My faith is the only thing that keeps me together…
My daughter reminded me of how important it is to consult with God in everything that I do and plan to do.
Emotions are not always the best route to take when making life changing decisions. You definitely can’t decide based on what you have shared with your family who will totally be on your side.
Sometimes situations can be extremely uncomfortable when in your mind you want change.
But God has the final decision on any moves I make. Never asking why, I am still and quiet. Sometimes I shout ”Do you really love me God, if so,why must I suffer?”
Learning can be painful sometimes as well as enjoyable. We have to take the bitter with the sweet and grow during the process of uncertainty.
All of your unanswered questions will be revealed in time. Keep an open line of prayer with God daily.
Dedicated to my Gina Bina 😍
To my daughter Regina- thank you for loving me unconditionally and being a rock in my life. You are an extraordinary young woman.