Heart Broken 💔

I love you guys so here goes….I shared my cancer battle and that was very personal. I am not embarrassed nor ashamed. It’s life and I really don’t know how to fix things.

I know I don’t act like it but I am Married🤷🏽‍♀️ 😩

I’ll be honest, I feel single and alone most of the time.

Marriage never promised that all the years together would be blissful. Weathering the storms is the true test!

I am seriously heartbroken.💔

We have our issues and are trying to hang in there and work it out. I was ready to throw in the towel 1 million times….something won’t let me do that. When I tell you my marriage has been extremely difficult and hard you will not believe the hardships and heartache. 

I honestly believe he loves me and I do love him. We deeply care for one another with all of our imperfections and flaws.

I had one last talk with him and some changes have to be made or we won’t last another year.

Marriage takes a lot of work and I don’t want to give up just yet. I’ll admit I am afraid of the dating scene and being single. Most men I meet are diabolical, liars and lust demons.

Pray for me and that I make the right decision. Breast cancer was a major battle in my life now the devil is after my marriage. It’s so easy to blame the failures and not fix us.

I always ask myself if it’s worth fighting for…

It will take the both of us to save our marriage. Pray for us please. I want to do the right thing but not at the cost of my happiness.

No Love Lost

No, really! I am over it all…

One thing for certain beating breast cancer has taught me is that you find out who truly loves you during the lowest point of your life. I was screaming for love on the inside wanting to be held and told that everything would be fine even if we were not certain. Hope and faith alone would have made me believe it. I have never felt so unattractive and unwanted in my entire life!

I lost my hair, nails, complexion that made me resemble the walking dead…no joke!

I am now 50 and the only true love experienced is from my beautiful girls and my nephews who love me unconditionally. However, this is not romantic love that I have desired for so long. What I have learned in the worse possible way is to never ever settle, believe what people show you and not what the tell you. Love yourself enough to walk away from pain and never be afraid of being alone. I am thinking about getting a puppy to cuddle with because the pillow isn’t doing it for me. When I see couples holding hands, laughing, not afraid of PDA, holding each other close, gazing into her eyes makes me long for that too! I want it to be real and not have this with someone that has been forced down my throat just to say I have a man.

I have always had an issue with looking for the good in people when there was more bad present. Choosing to sweep the lies and deceit under the rug has only caused me a great deal of pain and disappointment. Lowering my standards, accepting all their flaws and ignoring the truth with hopes that maybe being over critical was my issue and not theirs. I always wanted to experience a love that was unbreakable filled with sexual gratification and mental stimulation. The kind of love that is built on truth, friendship and loyalty. Having the ability to debate and to disagree to agree. Never ignoring the elephant in the room, taking on issues head on and resolving them with finding common ground. Respecting each other enough to never lie and hurt our love. Never making promises that we can’t keep that is just a damaging as telling a bold face lie with straight a face.

Everything must happen organically and we both must want the same kind of love or it will never work. I pray everyday for a love that will ask me to marry him while he’s on one knee with a ring that does not have to be fancy at all. He would NEVER get enough of me and I would want to inhale him every time I saw him.

I am nice to everyone and never judge anyone…I love myself unconditionally…and will never shrink myself in the presence of a insecure woman or man.There is always a clown that is a hater. Patrice isn’t for everyone. You must have love in your heart and ready to embrace realness.I do not play that stuck up thinking I am better than others BS🤦🏽‍♀️You can have all the materialistic things the world has to offer and yet you’re still miserable?God shows me favor over my life everyday blessing me with things money can’t buy.I love my sisters but most of them need mental help…self-love is not ridiculing and dissecting other people for flaws it is clearly self-hate.

Dark Skin

I personally do not accept being referred to as “African-American”.

It’s a constant reminder of our ancestors dreadful deadly passage from Africa to the Land of the free America. No pun intended!

No matter how our ancestors got here it is a part of our history that should never be forgotten.

However, do not stamp me with “African” since I’ve never been to my ancestors homeland. I will indeed travel there before I leave this earth after I discover where my bloodline started in Africa.

I crave to know more about who I really am and where it all began.

My true African brother and sisters do not fully accept me nor do my American black brothers and sisters.

Never wonder why the horrific bondage occurred. Know that if our ancestors pulled together our history may have been different. We are still separate which makes us weak and easy to conquer. However, we’ve always made it so easy by destroying each other.

Africa is beautiful and I always wish we where never robbed of our rich history and true self identity. The little dark skinned girls and boys are teased and rejected because of how dark their skin is or how beautifully kinky the crown on their head is.

It is such an honor to have dark skin which is an indicator that your blood is not as tainted by rape.

To all my beautiful dark skin sisters and brothers you are true kings and queens! Hold your head high and walk with pride.

You exemplify strength beyond measure…

Totally Ok!

Some lessons in life hurt like hell but we have to learn either way no matter the pain endured.

There are people that I believed would have come and visited me when I almost lost my LIFE to cancer. Sadly those individuals were like dust in the wind blowing further away from me.

There is a pain that I could never explain thinking that a person cared about me and in reality they never did.

I remember those who helped me when I didn’t ask. Called and visited me without my request but because they were concerned ❤️ THANK YOU! 🙏🏽

I was angry at those who didn’t.
My heart was broken!

Look at me now! Stronger than ever with so much self-love that I will NEVER expect it from anyone else. I will focus on making myself happy until I leave this earth ❤️🙏🏽

Cancer didn’t win!

GOD

Time

Time is the most precious commodity we have and this is why a person who isn’t really interested will not make time for you.

They will come up with legitimate reasons why they are so busy. One problem is that they seem to make time for everything else but YOU!

If a person can stay away from you for weeks at a time there is definitely someone else that has pushed you out of the picture.

I don’t care what’s going on, if a person is really into you they will move mountains to be next to you. Go where the love is and with a person that makes time for you.

I’ve wasted so much of my life waiting for a person to change that it’s insane. Now, I realize more than ever that’s it’s not my loss it’s them who lost the 💎 gem.