Zero Boundaries

I used to think I had boundaries. One day I woke up and discovered that I actually had zero boundaries. Naturally, the level of boundaries that I had set were so minuscule and didn’t account for anything.

I have allowed people to do and say things to me that placed me way outside of my comfort zone for more than half my life.

My focus was more on how I would make the other person feel versus my own feelings. I had to ask myself was it being compassionate fair logical or stupid?

I actually stepped outside of myself and assessed my life. Wishing I had done this sooner. I discovered that I had allowed so many people to take cold blooded advantage of me in so many ways. My thought pattern was well it’s never always about me or the world doesn’t revolve around Patrice.

In fact this is my world and anyone that comes into my world either respects my boundaries or they can side exit. I will no longer allow anyone to make me feel uncomfortable or force me to do anything that I don’t want to do. I will no longer explain why I simply said no or I feel bad about saying no.

It’s time for me to make Patrice happy for once in my life and not sacrifice my feelings for anyone ever again. No more licking my wounds like a sad puppy. It’s either my way or the highway and I no longer care how selfish that sounds because it’s time for me to be selfish.

It rings true that people only do to you what you allow but when you are looking through a lens of empathy and love it’s sometimes hard to see that someone is actually digging a ditch for you!

I finally have unconditional love for myself. Although, I have said many times before that happiness is within I finally realize how true it is.

I was never alone God was always by my side protecting and loving me even when I ignored him. I was more focused on pleasing man than God and still he showed me mercy by sparing my life. My Breast cancer battle proved to me that I have a purpose.

My purpose is definitely not pleasing man!

My purpose is being the best person that I can be and to love myself. I will no longer be so hard on myself accepting that I will make mistakes and learn from them!

I will only love those who love me and pray for those who don’t. Yes it’s a little late in life to have come to this conclusion however better now than never. The best part of it all is that I am still me. Of course I have matured and learned through my journey but my heart has not gone cold. I am.not bitter because of the pain and the disappointment experienced on a level that would have destroyed many.

God and my faith kept my afloat when the waves of life tried to drown me.

Lastly, my dear mother is everything to me!

It would be remiss of me not to acknowledge the fact that my mother is my rock. My mother has helped me tremendously through my struggles and has always been there when I needed her most in my adult life. I am truly blessed in many ways 🙏🏽

Delusional

Does having hope and believing in someone that never loved you to begin with make you an idiot? Well, I must admit that it sure feels like I won the dumb trophy. When actions are blazing like an out of control inferno and still I chose to walk through the fire.

Sadly, I have come out on the other side burned with my soul filled with pain and confusion. I never thought that a person could pretend so well to love you and turn out to be sub-human with a black heart. I will take most of the blame since the signs were there and I ignored the red flags.

The pain I feel is beyond words and only time can heal the depth of my pain. Details at this point will not be shared as a result of my emotional state. At a later time, I will open up out of love for myself and to help others. I am angry at myself and will not allow my emotions to dictate what I share on my blog. I just want that one person out there to know that you are not alone. Hang in there and the pain of someone betraying and never revealing who they really are until they had your heart and soul is something that YOU and I will never allow to happen again.

I have so many mixed emotions and have truly given up on the the love I never had to begin with. I feel disposable and used. I have also learned to treat myself better and set boudaries. If anything makes me feel uncomfortable it will not happen. I left once only to be convinced to come back and be buried in lies and neglect. Oh what a tangled web we weave! Bottom line is I allowed this unscrupulous treatment. I really wanted to believe in us when it was only me. I was alone the entire time. No ring and still I stayed, no attention or intimacy and still I stayed for 6 years! I did this to myself and have accepted this awful treatment for so many years. WOW! Never thought I would see myself so low at this stage of my life. Then I have to remind myself that If I beat cancer this should be easy. It’s not easy at all and the pain is deep. God, I need you again.

Heart Broken 💔

I love you guys so here goes….I shared my cancer battle and that was very personal. I am not embarrassed nor ashamed. It’s life and I really don’t know how to fix things.

I know I don’t act like it but I am Married🤷🏽‍♀️ 😩

I’ll be honest, I feel single and alone most of the time.

Marriage never promised that all the years together would be blissful. Weathering the storms is the true test!

I am seriously heartbroken.💔

We have our issues and are trying to hang in there and work it out. I was ready to throw in the towel 1 million times….something won’t let me do that. When I tell you my marriage has been extremely difficult and hard you will not believe the hardships and heartache. 

I honestly believe he loves me and I do love him. We deeply care for one another with all of our imperfections and flaws.

I had one last talk with him and some changes have to be made or we won’t last another year.

Marriage takes a lot of work and I don’t want to give up just yet. I’ll admit I am afraid of the dating scene and being single. Most men I meet are diabolical, liars and lust demons.

Pray for me and that I make the right decision. Breast cancer was a major battle in my life now the devil is after my marriage. It’s so easy to blame the failures and not fix us.

I always ask myself if it’s worth fighting for…

It will take the both of us to save our marriage. Pray for us please. I want to do the right thing but not at the cost of my happiness.

No Love Lost

No, really! I am over it all…

One thing for certain beating breast cancer has taught me is that you find out who truly loves you during the lowest point of your life. I was screaming for love on the inside wanting to be held and told that everything would be fine even if we were not certain. Hope and faith alone would have made me believe it. I have never felt so unattractive and unwanted in my entire life!

I lost my hair, nails, complexion that made me resemble the walking dead…no joke!

I am now 50 and the only true love experienced is from my beautiful girls and my nephews who love me unconditionally. However, this is not romantic love that I have desired for so long. What I have learned in the worse possible way is to never ever settle, believe what people show you and not what the tell you. Love yourself enough to walk away from pain and never be afraid of being alone. I am thinking about getting a puppy to cuddle with because the pillow isn’t doing it for me. When I see couples holding hands, laughing, not afraid of PDA, holding each other close, gazing into her eyes makes me long for that too! I want it to be real and not have this with someone that has been forced down my throat just to say I have a man.

I have always had an issue with looking for the good in people when there was more bad present. Choosing to sweep the lies and deceit under the rug has only caused me a great deal of pain and disappointment. Lowering my standards, accepting all their flaws and ignoring the truth with hopes that maybe being over critical was my issue and not theirs. I always wanted to experience a love that was unbreakable filled with sexual gratification and mental stimulation. The kind of love that is built on truth, friendship and loyalty. Having the ability to debate and to disagree to agree. Never ignoring the elephant in the room, taking on issues head on and resolving them with finding common ground. Respecting each other enough to never lie and hurt our love. Never making promises that we can’t keep that is just a damaging as telling a bold face lie with straight a face.

Everything must happen organically and we both must want the same kind of love or it will never work. I pray everyday for a love that will ask me to marry him while he’s on one knee with a ring that does not have to be fancy at all. He would NEVER get enough of me and I would want to inhale him every time I saw him.

I am nice to everyone and never judge anyone…I love myself unconditionally…and will never shrink myself in the presence of a insecure woman or man.There is always a clown that is a hater. Patrice isn’t for everyone. You must have love in your heart and ready to embrace realness.I do not play that stuck up thinking I am better than others BS🤦🏽‍♀️You can have all the materialistic things the world has to offer and yet you’re still miserable?God shows me favor over my life everyday blessing me with things money can’t buy.I love my sisters but most of them need mental help…self-love is not ridiculing and dissecting other people for flaws it is clearly self-hate.

Dark Skin

I personally do not accept being referred to as “African-American”.

It’s a constant reminder of our ancestors dreadful deadly passage from Africa to the Land of the free America. No pun intended!

No matter how our ancestors got here it is a part of our history that should never be forgotten.

However, do not stamp me with “African” since I’ve never been to my ancestors homeland. I will indeed travel there before I leave this earth after I discover where my bloodline started in Africa.

I crave to know more about who I really am and where it all began.

My true African brother and sisters do not fully accept me nor do my American black brothers and sisters.

Never wonder why the horrific bondage occurred. Know that if our ancestors pulled together our history may have been different. We are still separate which makes us weak and easy to conquer. However, we’ve always made it so easy by destroying each other.

Africa is beautiful and I always wish we where never robbed of our rich history and true self identity. The little dark skinned girls and boys are teased and rejected because of how dark their skin is or how beautifully kinky the crown on their head is.

It is such an honor to have dark skin which is an indicator that your blood is not as tainted by rape.

To all my beautiful dark skin sisters and brothers you are true kings and queens! Hold your head high and walk with pride.

You exemplify strength beyond measure…

Totally Ok!

Some lessons in life hurt like hell but we have to learn either way no matter the pain endured.

There are people that I believed would have come and visited me when I almost lost my LIFE to cancer. Sadly those individuals were like dust in the wind blowing further away from me.

There is a pain that I could never explain thinking that a person cared about me and in reality they never did.

I remember those who helped me when I didn’t ask. Called and visited me without my request but because they were concerned ❤️ THANK YOU! 🙏🏽

I was angry at those who didn’t.
My heart was broken!

Look at me now! Stronger than ever with so much self-love that I will NEVER expect it from anyone else. I will focus on making myself happy until I leave this earth ❤️🙏🏽

Cancer didn’t win!

GOD