Sexy Alien

I totally decided that a double mastectomy was the best route to keep cancer away. The doctors warned me that they may not be able to save my nipples during the surgery. I just wanted all the cancer gone! I had no idea of the physiological damage visually this would cause me. It’s not about being vain either. A part of my body was removed and they will not grow back.

My family thought it was a bit over the top when the doctors offered to perform a lumpectomy.

My research concluded that if I decided to keep my breast there was a higher chance of reoccurrence. So off they both went along with my nipples! Yep, I no longer have nipples.

After my surgery the first thing I looked at was my chest. My eyes filled with tears feeling as if I was less of a woman with a now flat chest. So, I decided on implants and happy I did. This is not considered plastic surgery but reconstructive surgery which is a big difference. Same size bra just more perky ☺️

I had to convince myself that breast were overrated and besides I don’t need them anyway, right? I began to sob uncontrollably feeling like the essence of my womanhood was taken from me.

No breastfeeding or a man to embrace them so what’s the big deal ? It’s a huge deal but not if removing them could prolong my life.

I could have nipple reconstruction or 3-D tattoos to make me feel a tad better when looking in the mirror. But for now, the sexy alien look works. I have not decided on nipple reconstruction because it requires surgery. More than likely I’ll go the tattoo route.

Yes, it still bothers me and I miss my old saggy cute boobs that at least had nipples. They were mine not some foreign object floating in my chest.

Cancer took so much from me but I have my life! Boobs mean nothing to me when it comes to LIFE!

I just wanted my nipples to stay intact to feel as normal as possible…but cancer hides! The doctors did what was best.

When you finally wake up…

How can a person that loves you and wants to see you be an annoyance? It is because you are really not interested in them nor have feelings. We all have our bad days and don’t want to bothered, I get that part, but that does not mean you stop loving on each other in spite of it all. It is you and I against the world not you and I against each other.

People have the tendency to either establish their love or prove they never loved you at all on a daily basis if you pay close attention. These standards are based on what you need at that time for them to prove their love. If they refuse then they never loved you. Love has no boundaries or self-doubt. When you love someone there is nothing that you wouldn’t do for them even if it means you forsake everyone besides God. You bare all, have no secrets because you become one. You feel their emotions and can sense when something is wrong. It becomes impossible for you to hurt them on any level because it would be like hurting yourself.

The feeling that I hate to experience is the hurt when you truly trust someone with your heart and they rip it right out of your chest before your eyes. Their eyes are cold as a stone and there is no warmth or love in their voice.

You believe that love has found you, lonely nights have come to an end, and at last, the search is over!

Then BAM! You wake up to who the heck are you and what happened to us? There was never an “us”. There was the hope of what could be.

The tricky part is that you were so caught up on the idea of being in love that you were blinded.
The red flags were all there waving and even smacking you in the face but all you saw was cupid while flying on cloud 9 with the newness of everything. The flipside of it all is we have some situations that when we finally wake up, we have missed the boat and allowed that one person to exit our life and they will never return. That one person that will and can only love you unselfishly but you are too busy chasing rocks and dirt when you have a treasure in front of you.

Years down the road you start to reflect and wonder why you never found true love and end up with this person you hardly know while hating their guts. Yep, the one ship you let sail away because you believed another individual was so much better when you had the best already.

We push real love away to have a false love that will eventually fade. We become weary or carry baggage and all that soul-sucking pain from previous relationships that we ruin our chance at TRUE love. At this point, I’d rather have a puppy. We inflict pain on ourselves by loving someone that is truly incapable of not only loving you they have yet learned what love is and how to love themselves.


When you consistently reject someone for YEARS that loves you and refuse to communicate it hurts and damages them. Things will never be the same because now they are afraid to open up and love or allow anyone else to love them with the fear of being rejected again.

They have now gone into protect mode promising to never allow anyone the opportunity to get close to them. Sometimes all you want is him/her and when they don’t want you then you’d rather be alone.

Loving yourself is so important, knowing your worth and if you ever feel unloved God has an unconditional love that’s deeper than you can ever imagine.

My Truth

My heart was broken by every man I’ve had in my life…God is the only unwavering love I’ve experienced.
I am hyper sensitive about life. I’ve made so many mistakes because I did not think things through. Afraid of getting my heart broken for the 100th time. I am resilient but more fragile. My love and faith in God is the only thing that keeps me together.
Cancer battle definitely changed my outlook on life. I have no more time to waste. Living life and never finding true love has always been one of my fears.
If it were not for God, my children and parents I’d be shattered in a million pieces.
I have so much love to give to the right person. But there seems to be no man worthy or ready to receive me. Through it all, I count my blessings and still find happiness within.

Begging for Love…

There is nothing more humiliating than begging for someone to love me. You can not give your love to just anyone. Everyone isn’t worthy to enter your temple or your life!

If a person’s only purpose is sex then you are definitely in for a disappointment. Getting to know each other and becoming friends first is important unless it just happens to be love at first sight.  Watch out for predators, users and people who pretend to love you because of ulterior motives.

The one thing I have learned is men experience the same hurt as I have. We somehow end of with the right wrong person. I know, it sounds crazy, right? Well, you think the person is right for you when they are so wrong for you in many ways. We usually find out this in days, months or sadly years!

If a person does not want to be with you there is nothing you can do to change their mind or heart no matter how much you compromise yourself. The only result you will have is a broken heart. We sometimes imagine what could be when it will never be no matter how hard we wish, pray and hope with all our might. I can cry, scream and yell and all they will hear is silence. My heart could be broken and I imagine them ripping my heart out of my chest and throwing it on the ground to crush it.

I have so much love to give to the right person. Sometimes, I think my love is too big and maybe too much for the average Joe. Maybe my love scared men in my past off because it comes from the depth of my soul. The only unconditional love and everlasting love comes from my children, my parents, and God.

I keep praying and hoping that one day God will send me a man to love me in every possible way. I want the kind of love that we enjoy the very essence of our existence.

The kind of love that we can’t keep our hands off each other. The kind of love that we only see beauty in us and no one is more perfect then we are to each other. The kind of love that we want to spend all the time we have in the world together. The kind of love that we look into each other’s eyes and get lost in love. The kind of love that feels like soft sensual volts of electricity is traveling through my body when he touches me. The kind of love that God is the foundation of.

In the meantime, I will focus on loving those who love me and learning to love myself more and more with every passing day.  The unconditional love of a man is just not in the cards for me and I have accepted that.

I want the kind of love I don’t have to beg for…






There are situations and people that will change your outlook on life. I have met a person and wondered where they were all my life. Ending up with the wrong person is how divorce happens and how any relationship ends for that matter.

When you are with the right person you never want to let them go. The only issue with this is trying to figure out if they feel the same about you. One-sided expectations or feelings can destroy you when you really want the other person to feel the same as you do about them. Over time feelings can change and you actually can fall out of love with a person but still care for them deeply.

Most people will not be honest and tell the person they once loved that they are no longer in love with them but they will always love them if too much damage has not occurred. The fire can burn out and when you try to bring it back a gust of wind comes along and blows it right out.

When changes happen in a relationship, those changes, will bring you both to the next level, level off or END. The outcome will depend on if you are willing to fight or weather the storm. The worse thing to do is lie to each other and become roommates. Let them go! Allow them to be with a person who wants to love them deeply as they would love them.

Time is something we can never get back nor can we force anyone to love us or stay in love with us.


When you lie to someone who cares about you it’s like smacking them in the face leaving a stinging pain behind.

You must understand that when someone truly loves you they know when you are telling lies even when you have convinced yourself that those lies are your truths.

Let that marinate…

Lies Make Relationships Complicated

This is my second marriage and both have been a learning experience. How can you make the same mistake twice? When you lie to yourself in order to believe that you are actually doing the right thing. The signs were always there but you chose to ignore them thinking that when you got married those red flags would turn green or disappear. Who knows, since love makes us do crazy things or the thought of being in love.

Cell phones have ruined countless marriages with the temptation and privacy offered to creep with passcodes that your spouse refuses to share. If your relationship isn’t an open book then it’s not for you, trust me! There should never be secrets between two people that are supposed to be in love. If you want privacy you should remain single with your secret azz. Lies and secrets are not needed when you are single so it seems. But for some reason, folks still like to lie all the darn time.

Telling big fat lies daily seems to have become an epidemic. We must also ask ourselves are we ready for the truth and can we honestly handle the truth. I would rather have you tell me the truth than lie to me. My heart may be broken but that can heal…I can not heal from lies since that crushes trust and chips away at the love.

We are all grown ups so why not be honest? There is nothing that angers me more than a person wasting my time. If you want to screw other women than go knock yourself out. If you decide you like men, I will support your decision and set you free. I would be so thrilled that you told the truth so I can move on with my damn life!

You can absolutely love someone with all your heart but that does not mean you are meant to be together. Loving someone from a distance is totally doable. How can people live in the same house filled with silence? How can you be married and become cold hard roommates? Lies and loss of trust create environments that are unhealthy, over and done with. But for some strange reason, we hold on to hurt for dear life.

Wouldn’t it be nice to hear, “Hey, you know what? it has been a nice run but it is time to move on, you are awesome and I will always love you but I am no longer in love with you nor attracted to you sexually.”  “So, instead of cheating and telling lies every day let’s go our separate ways.” Not in this life, people will take the truth to their graves!

Well, it’s like this, that gut feeling you get unless you stopped taking your meds is usually right. If he/she treats their phone like Fort Knox and the flame you once had begins to flicker out it’s pretty much over. Communication is a must and that is always an issue in relationships. The person who communicates is labeled as a complainer. If you are ever referred to as a complainer when you are trying to fix the issues in your relationship it is over. This person does not care about how you feel or willing to fix things.

I know situations such as finances may keep you there longer than you wish or codependency. But you have to find a way to break free. We only get one life and we need to live it with someone who we can trust and has no secrets.