My heart was broken by every man I’ve had in my life…God is the only unwavering love I’ve experienced.
I am hyper sensitive about life. I’ve made so many mistakes because I did not think things through. Afraid of getting my heart broken for the 100th time. I am resilient but more fragile. My love and faith in God is the only thing that keeps me together.
Cancer battle definitely changed my outlook on life. I have no more time to waste. Living life and never finding true love has always been one of my fears.
If it were not for God, my children and parents I’d be shattered in a million pieces.
I have so much love to give to the right person. But there seems to be no man worthy or ready to receive me. Through it all, I count my blessings and still find happiness within.

There is nothing more humiliating than begging for someone to love me. You can not give your love to just anyone. Everyone isn’t worthy to enter your temple or your life!

If a person’s only purpose is sex then you are definitely in for a disappointment. Getting to know each other and becoming friends first is important unless it just happens to be love at first sight.  Watch out for predators, users and people who pretend to love you because of ulterior motives.

The one thing I have learned is men experience the same hurt as I have. We somehow end of with the right wrong person. I know, it sounds crazy, right? Well, you think the person is right for you when they are so wrong for you in many ways. We usually find out this in days, months or sadly years!

If a person does not want to be with you there is nothing you can do to change their mind or heart no matter how much you compromise yourself. The only result you will have is a broken heart. We sometimes imagine what could be when it will never be no matter how hard we wish, pray and hope with all our might. I can cry, scream and yell and all they will hear is silence. My heart could be broken and I imagine them ripping my heart out of my chest and throwing it on the ground to crush it.

I have so much love to give to the right person. Sometimes, I think my love is too big and maybe too much for the average Joe. Maybe my love scared men in my past off because it comes from the depth of my soul. The only unconditional love and everlasting love comes from my children, my parents, and God.

I keep praying and hoping that one day God will send me a man to love me in every possible way. I want the kind of love that we enjoy the very essence of our existence.

The kind of love that we can’t keep our hands off each other. The kind of love that we only see beauty in us and no one is more perfect then we are to each other. The kind of love that we want to spend all the time we have in the world together. The kind of love that we look into each other’s eyes and get lost in love. The kind of love that feels like soft sensual volts of electricity is traveling through my body when he touches me. The kind of love that God is the foundation of.

In the meantime, I will focus on loving those who love me and learning to love myself more and more with every passing day.  The unconditional love of a man is just not in the cards for me and I have accepted that.

I want the kind of love I don’t have to beg for…

There are situations and people that will change your outlook on life. I have met a person and wondered where they were all my life. Ending up with the wrong person is how divorce happens and how any relationship ends for that matter.

When you are with the right person you never want to let them go. The only issue with this is trying to figure out if they feel the same about you. One-sided expectations or feelings can destroy you when you really want the other person to feel the same as you do about them. Over time feelings can change and you actually can fall out of love with a person but still care for them deeply.

Most people will not be honest and tell the person they once loved that they are no longer in love with them but they will always love them if too much damage has not occurred. The fire can burn out and when you try to bring it back a gust of wind comes along and blows it right out.

When changes happen in a relationship, those changes, will bring you both to the next level, level off or END. The outcome will depend on if you are willing to fight or weather the storm. The worse thing to do is lie to each other and become roommates. Let them go! Allow them to be with a person who wants to love them deeply as they would love them.

Time is something we can never get back nor can we force anyone to love us or stay in love with us.

When you lie to someone who cares about you it’s like smacking them in the face leaving a stinging pain behind.

You must understand that when someone truly loves you they know when you are telling lies even when you have convinced yourself that those lies are your truths.

Let that marinate…

This is my second marriage and both have been a learning experience. How can you make the same mistake twice? When you lie to yourself in order to believe that you are actually doing the right thing. The signs were always there but you chose to ignore them thinking that when you got married those red flags would turn green or disappear. Who knows, since love makes us do crazy things or the thought of being in love.

Cell phones have ruined countless marriages with the temptation and privacy offered to creep with passcodes that your spouse refuses to share. If your relationship isn’t an open book then it’s not for you, trust me! There should never be secrets between two people that are supposed to be in love. If you want privacy you should remain single with your secret azz. Lies and secrets are not needed when you are single so it seems. But for some reason, folks still like to lie all the darn time.

Telling big fat lies daily seems to have become an epidemic. We must also ask ourselves are we ready for the truth and can we honestly handle the truth. I would rather have you tell me the truth than lie to me. My heart may be broken but that can heal…I can not heal from lies since that crushes trust and chips away at the love.

We are all grown ups so why not be honest? There is nothing that angers me more than a person wasting my time. If you want to screw other women than go knock yourself out. If you decide you like men, I will support your decision and set you free. I would be so thrilled that you told the truth so I can move on with my damn life!

You can absolutely love someone with all your heart but that does not mean you are meant to be together. Loving someone from a distance is totally doable. How can people live in the same house filled with silence? How can you be married and become cold hard roommates? Lies and loss of trust create environments that are unhealthy, over and done with. But for some strange reason, we hold on to hurt for dear life.

Wouldn’t it be nice to hear, “Hey, you know what? it has been a nice run but it is time to move on, you are awesome and I will always love you but I am no longer in love with you nor attracted to you sexually.”  “So, instead of cheating and telling lies every day let’s go our separate ways.” Not in this life, people will take the truth to their graves!

Well, it’s like this, that gut feeling you get unless you stopped taking your meds is usually right. If he/she treats their phone like Fort Knox and the flame you once had begins to flicker out it’s pretty much over. Communication is a must and that is always an issue in relationships. The person who communicates is labeled as a complainer. If you are ever referred to as a complainer when you are trying to fix the issues in your relationship it is over. This person does not care about how you feel or willing to fix things.

I know situations such as finances may keep you there longer than you wish or codependency. But you have to find a way to break free. We only get one life and we need to live it with someone who we can trust and has no secrets.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel like somewhat of a failure. Earning my BA is something that really made me see myself as a success finally. My Master’s is now in process and things are looking bright.

Beating breast cancer made me feel like a superhero. I always knew that strength was within but never on this level. My entire life has been a battle that I am not willing to share with the world as of yet. There are some things in life that should be kept between you and God. Honestly, I am very surprised that there is no bitterness towards God with all that life has thrown my way.

Sometimes I felt like the life was being sucked from my soul the pain was so great. There were times that I drowned in my own sorrows of tears ending up hyperventilating because I was so upset. GOD! I stopped asking why realizing that it was his will. He loves me? Yes…although it is hard to believe at times minus the fact that Jesus died on the cross for me. But did he have a choice or did he really want to die? Be that as it may, he died for us.

Then I thought to myself that my mother beat my arse and that was painful by the way. Mommy used to beat my butt so badly that I thought she was going to kill me.

Kids have a vivid imagination, it really was not that bad. Sometimes I knew I deserved every spanking and there were times I didn’t feel it was needed. As a child, I begin to discover who I was and became stubborn. Those beatings shaped me right up real fast. I was not the best child and thank goodness my mom made sure I saw the light before becoming an adult. My point is maybe God was spanking me to make sure I stayed on the right path and wanted to grab my attention.

I have always loved God but there were times I put him on the back burner far too many times then I got burned in the oven of fire called life’s consequences.  BREAST CANCER! BAD RELATIONSHIPS! If I had only listened to God and followed his word. I beat breast cancer and know that there are so many things in my life now that must be fixed because I did not seek God first. In order for my life to flow, blossom and grow I must put God first. Stagnant water begins to stink, bugs start to come and the water is no longer clean or clear. This is not how I want my life to be!

I have come through the fire unseared because of the faith I never knew I had so much of. Funny how so many ignore God but when they are on their death bed they call out to God for help.

Thank goodness I loved God prior to my cancer diagnosis.  I didn’t come to God and ask to be healed from Cancer without knowing him first. One thing for certain, I know that without faith there was no way possible I would have made it through this journey.  The chemo treatments alone were enough to wipe me out mentally and physically.

I would never wish cancer on my worst enemy since it is so evil and cruel showing no mercy. The entire time there was a spiritual and mental battle that could have been easily lost.

Cancer is no joke! When I look back at where I was and where I am now it is nothing but GOD and my FAITH that kept me alive. Discovering that my strength and belief is amazing! I not only believed that God would deliver me I believed in myself. My life is no longer stagnant and I have mixed feelings about what I had to endure in order to open my eyes to truly see what life has to offer. I have a third eye and there are really so many super kind loving folks left in this world.

When a person would rather spy on your social media sites and word press then communicate directly with you is a problem.

I have often heard people say that anything worth having will not be easy. I do not agree with this because when you are the only one working to make things work it is extremely exhausting.

My question is when do you call it quits?

When my mind seemed to never want to rest and sleep was a distant pleasure. I constantly prayed to God for sleep until I finally entered into what I call a limbo of deep rest. Some nights I slept very well but those nights were rare and cherished.

I have so many thoughts running through my head that it can be overwhelming. Chemo kills cancer and it was slowly killing me too. My life was as if I was at a crap game rolling the dice every time I had chemo hoping for a lucky 7. Through all this, I never had disdain for God but grew closer to him.

My journey has begun to finally start working towards my Master’s in Mangement Specialization Project Management. It has taken exactly seven long years to stop making excuses. Cancer indeed was a dreadful excuse to not pursue my degree with chemo and all the other hurdles that come with it. All of my pathetic excuses were all used up and cancer was not going to be a reason for me to not pursue my Master’s.

There were times I wanted to quit and it was just the first semester! Well, classes start again in February and I passed with a “B” by the grace of God and my faith. I was relentless and would not give up even when the voice of defeat whispered: “this is not a good time, you are fighting cancer right now”. The funny thing about timing in my life, there is never a good time and I must execute. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer my life was turned upside down. Death seemed to be knocking at my front door and I felt the ice cold breeze that pierced my soul. But I decided to fight and when I felt weak I prayed. I am fighting the good fight for the rest of my life and living life making no excuses.

To God be the glory! I am now cancer free and still amazed at how far I have come.

I am now in the reconstructive phase after having a bilateral mastectomy. New boobs in the making and it was not for vanity. Cancer robbed me of so many things and my femininity is one. The things like my nails, toes, hair and especially my breast!

I have been thinking of two people that were in my life that I took for granted like Nicole and Will and I miss them so much. I wonder if they are reading my blog and curse them for not reaching out to me! If you are reading my blog please know that I love you both and friends fight but that does not mean you give up. Nicole promised that we would never stop being friends no matter what. But who keeps promises anyway these days?

Cancer makes you see life so differently and I appreciate things so much more now. I had triple negative breast cancer and this type is VERY aggressive. The only way I overcame this is by having a positive attitude, prayer, faith and truly believing that this was not the end. Now more than ever I want to give back to those who are now fighting cancer. I am not exactly sure how to go about this yet. One thing for sure financial support is needed as well as emotional support in a major way. It is so easy to fall into deep depression and give up when you feel like you are alone. The strange part about it all is no matter if you have 100 people in your corner you are the only one that has to fight the battle.

My Dad told me that he too is going through this all with me whether I believe it or not. That meant so much to me. He told me that he feels my pain and I believe that. I am truly grateful and thank God every single day! Life is so beautiful if you take the time out to focus on the good and the things you have control over. Do not waste your time on the things in life you have no control over give it to God! I don’t have to know you personally care about you. Remember that we need more love in this world. If you can not support a person financially support them emotionally. When I hear that someone has to go through chemo my heart cries for them. Please take care of yourself and get your cancer screening done annually because your life depends on it.

My biggest fear is that cancer will return and that thought has to be buried and never dug back up! Reality is not always yours…For now, I will celebrate life and being a “new normal” since I will never be the same. The change is good and has made me stronger in so many ways. If God was trying to get my attention he sure did the job.